The upbringing of Muslim children

The upbringing of Muslim children

Published: Friday, 25 May, 2007, 12:49 PM Doha Time

BEFORE BIRTH
Choosing the right spouse
Religion is the most important criterion in choosing the right spouse. Abu Hurairah, radiallahu ‘anhu, narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So marry the religious woman if you do not want to be a loser.” [Bukhari and Muslim.] Choosing a spouse who is observing the correct Islamic behaviour in life will establish the Muslim home on sound Islamic principles from the first day and will prevent children from learning bad habits from their parents.
Mental and physical sanity is another criterion. The spouse should not have a grave physical sickness with a high risk of being inherited by the children, or be mentally sick and unable to raise children.
The family status of the spouse is also a criterion in choosing the best spouse. Spouses coming from families that are strongly committed to Islam have a better chance of succeeding in raising good Muslim children.
Observing the rights of the unborn child
A child who is still in the womb has legitimate rights, among which are that:
*The father must support the pregnant mother until she delivers even if the two spouses are separated. Allah said: “And if they are pregnant, then spend on them until they deliver.” (Qur’an 65:6)
*The pregnant mother may break her Ramadan fast if she is afraid for her well-being or the well-being of her child.
*A child in the womb has the right to inheritance. All scholars agree that the inheritance should not be divided until the child is born and that he should get his share.
AT BIRTH
Making Athan and Iqamah in the ear of the newborn baby. Abu Rafi, radiallahu ‘anhu, reported that he saw the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, making athan in Hasan’s ear when Fatima gave birth to him. (Related by Abu Dawud and At-Tirmithi who said it is an authentic hadith). This is to make the words that glorify Allah the first ones to reach a child’s ear and affect his heart.
The second wisdom is to prevent the Shaitan from getting close to the unborn child. Abu Hurairrah, radiallahu ‘anhu, narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “When the athan is pronounced, Shaitan runs back and breaks wind during his flight in order not to hear the call being made. When the athan is completed, he comes back. When Iqama is pronounced, he turns his back and after its completion, he returns again and whispers into the heart of the person (to divert his attention from his prayer) and makes him remember things which he does not recall to his mind before the prayer and this causes him to forget how much he has prayed.” [Bukhari and Muslim.]
Tahneek is to chew a piece of date and then to rub it inside the newborn’s mouth. Aisha, radiallahu ‘anha, said: “Babies were brought to Allah’s Messenger, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam. He blessed them, and after having chewed some dates, he rubbed therewith their soft palates.” [Muslim]
Shaving the head of the baby is a Sunnah. Samurah Ibn Jundub related the Messenger of Allah as saying “A newborn is in pledge for his aqiqah. Sacrifice is made for him on the seventh day, his head is shaved and he is given a name.” (Abu Dawud, At-Tirmithi, An-Nasa’i, Ibn Majah, Ad-Darami and Ahmad).
Choosing a good name for the child is one of the baby’s rights upon his parents. Ibn Umar, radiallahu ‘anhu, said: Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “The most beloved names for Allah are Abdullah and Abdur-Rahman” [Muslim]. Bad names should be changed to good names. Ibn-Umar reported that Umar had a daughter who was called ‘Asiya (Disobedient). Allah’s Messenger gave her the name of Jamila (good and handsome). [Related by Muslim.] Parents should be careful not to give their children names that will make them a mockery with their friends and will prevent them from playing in a group.
Making aqeeqah to the baby: Salman ibn Amir narrated that he heard Allah’s Messenger saying: “Aqiqah is to be offered for the newborn child, so slaughter for him and relieve him of his suffering.” [Bukhari.] The Sunnah is to slaughter one sheep for the baby girl and two sheep for the baby boy.
Imam Ahmad was asked about a father who did not have money to offer the aqiqah for his newborn child: Should he borrow money? He answered: Yes because it is a revival of a Sunnah of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam. He was also asked whether it is better, instead of slaughtering a sheep, to offer its price to the poor. He answered: No.
Among the benefits of the aqiqah is that it lets the child intercede for his parents on the Day of Judgment, it strengthens the social bonds between Muslims, it is a help for the poor and a revival of the Sunnah of the Prophet.
Making circumcision is one of the acts of fitrah. Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “The actions of the fitrah are five: circumcision, shaving the pubic hair, trimming the moustache, clipping the nails and plucking the armpit hairs.” [Bukhari.]
Confirming the descent of the child: Abu Hurairah, radiallahu ‘anhu, reported he heard the Messenger of Allah saying: “Any women who brings to her family one who does not belong to it has nothing to do with Allah (ie expects no mercy from Allah), and Allah the exalted will veil Himself from any man who disowns his child when he looks at him, Allah will disgrace him in the presence of all creatures first and last.” [Abu Dawud, Annasai, Ibn Majah, Ibn Hibban and Al-Hakim.]
Allah has ordered us to confirm the line of descent of the child. Allah said: “And call them by the name of their fathers, that is more just in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father’s names, they are your brothers in faith and your friends.” (Qur’an 33:5)
AFTER BIRTH
PHYSICAL CARE
Breastfeeding
It is best that the mother nurses her child as her milk is the most beneficent nutrient for him and she is more merciful to him than any other woman. Allah said: “The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, that is for those who desire to complete the term of suckling.” (Qur’an 2:233)
Modern research proved that the mother’s milk strengthens the child’s immune system at a time when the child is most vulnerable.
Ibn ‘Umar, radiallahu ‘anhu, reported that a group of merchants arrived to Madinah and settled in the mosque. So Umar told Abdurrahman ibn Awf, radiallahu ‘anhu, “Let’s guard them tonight from thieves.” So they spent the night watching and praying as much as Allah had destined to them. Umar heard the weeping of a child so he went towards him and told his mother: “Fear Allah and be good to your child” and he went back to his place. He heard the child crying again and told his mother the same thing and went back to his place. By the end of the night he heard him crying again so he told his mother: “You are a bad mother, your child did not sleep all night.” So she said: “I am trying to wean him but he refuses.” He said: “Why are you doing that?” She said: “Because Umar does not prescribe child support except for children who are already weaned.” He said: “How old is he?” She said: “Such and such.” He said: “No! Do not hurry him.”
Umar prayed Fajr and was weeping during the prayer to the extent that his recitation was barely understandable. After he made tasleem he said: “Misery is for Umar. He has killed Muslim children.” He then asked someone to make the call that people should not rush their children to weaning, child support is prescribed to every child. And he sent letters to that effect to all the Muslim land.” (The History of Umar ibn al-Khattab by ibn Aljawzy, pages 74-75.)
Spending for all the needs of the child
Thawban reported Allah’s Messenger, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, as saying: “The most excellent Dinar is one that a person spends on his family, and the Dinar which he spends on his animal in Allah’s path, and the Dinar which he spends on his companions in Allah’s path.” [Muslim.]
EMOTIONAL CARE
One should be kind and merciful to his children
Abu Hurairah reported that Al-Aqra’ bin Habis saw Allah’s Messenger, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, kissing Hasan. He said: “I have 10 children but I have never kissed anyone of them,” whereupon Allah’s Messenger, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him.” [Muslim, Kitab al-Fadail.]
Abdullah ibn abi Qatadah narrated: “My father said: The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said: “When I stand for prayers, I intend to prolong it but on hearing the cries of a child, I cut it short as I dislike to trouble the child’s mother.” [Bukhari]
Aisha, radiallahu ‘anha, narrated: “A lady along with her two daughters came to me asking for some alms, but she found nothing with me except one date which I gave her. She divided it between her to daughters, and did not eat anything herself, and then got up and went away. Then the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam came in and I informed him about this story. He said: “Whoever is put to trial by these daughters and he treats them generously (with benevolence) then these daughters will act as a shield for him from Hellfire.” [Related by Bukhari in the Book of Zakat.]
Playing with them and making them happy
For a child, playing is an important part of his daily schedule. It is by playing that he learns and develops affectively, intellectually and physically. Anas, radiallahu ‘anhu, reported that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, was playing with Zaynab bint Umm Salamah and telling her: “O Zuwaynib O Zuwaynib ... several times” [Related in Sahih al-Jami’.]
Being just with them
One has to be fair in his interest in them, enthusiasm for them, cheerfulness to them, no difference being made between a boy and a girl. ‘Amir narrated: I heard An-Numan ibn Bashir, radiallahu ‘anhu, on the pulpit saying: “My father gave me a gift but ‘Amra bint Rawaha (my mother) said she would not agree to it unless he made Allah’s Messenger sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam as a witness to it. So my father went to Allah’s Messenger ssallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam and said: “I have given a gift to my son from Amra bint Rawaha, but she ordered me to make you as a witness to it, O Allah’s Messenger!’ Allah’s Messenger asked: ‘Have you given the like of it to every one of your sons?’ He replied in the negative. Allah’s Messenger said: ‘Fear Allah and be just to your children.’ My father then returned and took back his gift.” [Related by al-Bukhari in the Book of gifts.[
Parents are ordered to be just to their children so that the child feels secure at home. A child may not learn the meaning of justice if he is continuously oppressed at home.
Teaching them Islam
Jundub ibn Abdullah said: “We were with the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, we were boys and we learned Iman before learning Qur’an. We then learned Qur’an and it increased our Iman.” [Hadith with sahih isnad narrated by Ibn Majah.] This Hadith shows that the parents should first teach their children the pillars of faith, what it means to believe in Allah and in His oneness. When the child becomes able to understand, he should be taught how to make wudhu’ and Salat.
Sabura, radiallahu ‘anhu, narrated that the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said: “Teach the child Salat when he reaches seven and spank him for it when he reaches 10.” [Related by Tirmithi who said it is a Hasan Sahih Hadith.] Hence, the parents have three years to get their child in the habit of offering regular prayers. By the age of 10, the parents should be more strict in their orders concerning the prayer. When the child reaches puberty, Salat becomes obligatory on him. The above hadith has singled out Salat because of its high position in Islam but the principle applies to all other acts of worship.
Teaching them good manners
Such as not to lie, steal or cheat. It is imperative in this respect that the parents themselves observe these manners. Children should also be taught to ask for permission to enter their parents’ bedroom during three periods of the day. Allah said: “O you who believe, let your legal slaves and those among you who have not reached the age of puberty ask your permission before they come to your presence on three occasions: before fajr prayer, and while you put off your clothes for the noonday rest, and after the ‘isha prayer. These three times are of privacy for you. Outside those times, it is not wrong for you or for them to move about attending to each other. Thus Allah makes clear the verses of this Qur’an to you. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise. But when the children among you come to puberty, then let them also ask for permission, as those senior to them. Thus Allah makes clear His commandments for you. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise.” (Qur’an 24:58-59)
Choosing the right friends for them.
Abu Musa narrated that the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said: “The example of a good companion and a bad one is that of a person carrying musk and another blowing a pair of bellows. The one who is carrying musk will either give you some perfume as a present, or you will buy some from him, or you will get a good smell from him; but the one who is blowing a pair of bellows will either burn your clothes or you will get a bad smell from him.” [Bukhari and Muslim.]
Because children learn mostly from other children, it is important that we choose good friends for our children. Good friends reinforce the good manners and habits while bad friends reinforce the bad manners and habits.
Conclusion
Our children are a trust given to us by Allah. They are born with a natural predisposition to accept the teachings of Islam. Depending on the upbringing we give them, we may make them good Muslims or we may make them non-Muslims. That is how great our responsibiltiy is. This responsibility has to be borne by both the father and the mother. On the other hand, the reward they would get for upbringing a good Muslim is also great. When a child asks forgiveness for his parents from Allah, their position in paradise is raised. We pray to Allah to be from those who are saved on the Day of Judgment and not from the losers. Allah said: “Say: ‘The losers are those who will lose themsleves and their families on the Day of Resurrection. Verily, that will be a manifest loss!’” (Qur’an 39:15)

Kids listen to our every deed

How many times have you told your kids to change their clothes/brush their teeth/do their homework/or anything else for that matter? There is really no right answer because there is really no limit to the number of times we have to ask our kids to do something.

For most of us, this is a normal part of our daily lives. We ask, and ask, and ask, and if we are lucky, our kids cooperate after the fourth request or after a loud but otherwise harmless scolding. We complain that our kids never listen to us; we ask other moms how they get their kids to behave, eat their vegetables, or go to sleep. We consult books and Internet sites at all hours on better childrearing and discipline and other parenting techniques. And still, our kids just don't listen.

But, they do observe. While we are yelling at them, they are watching us; while we argue with our husbands, they are watching; while we mutter curses under our breath at raging drivers, they are watching; and while we chat with our friends on the phone, they are watching us. If you have toddlers, you are beginning to see this already. You see them carrying on animated conversations on their battery operated toy cell phones. They pace around the house with their heads cocked, their little shoulders straining to hold up the fake phone with the blinking lights. Yup, our kids are watching our every move, even when they don't listen to one word.

The lessons they learn

The truth is that we shouldn't worry that our children never listen to us. Instead we should worry that they are always watching us. It is true. When we tell our kids to pick up their toys, they don't listen. We raise our voices, and they still ignore us. Then, we become irate and yell, and they have a temper tantrum or break down into a fit of tears. But not before they have taken careful note of our actions. In fact, every time we "tell" our kids to do something, we are teaching them a lesson. We are telling them to do one thing, but we are really showing them how to do something else. When we yell at them in anger, we are showing them how to get someone to listen to us. When we throw toys into the toy box or kick toys out of the way as we point our fingers, we are showing them how to display their anger.

And think about when you are driving your kids to school in the morning. A hurried driver cuts you off and you swerve to avoid getting side swiped. "Moron!" you yell, as you correct the wheel. You shrug it off and silently thank Allaah that nothing happened. Your kids in the back saw what happened. In these situations, we rarely explain to our kids that the other driver made a mistake by changing lanes without signaling or by turning right just as we crossed a green light. Instead, we show them how to handle such situations: curse and complain.

The lessons we want to teach

It is almost impossible to handle every situation of every day in a manner befitting for teaching our kids lessons. But if we are aware of the opportunities (and the impending dangers) of such situations, we can at least make the most out of as many situations as possible. For example, we know that disciplining our kids is one of the most challenging aspects of each day. And, during the course of a day's worth of disciplining, we find ourselves yelling, getting angry, scolding, and then usually seeking some sort of repentance for angry words or sentiments. If we could only see ourselves the way our kids probably do, we might learn a thing or two.

Well, obviously, we can't see ourselves and we can rarely stop ourselves in the midst of heat and anger, but we can prepare ourselves for these moments. If we can decide ahead of time what we want to teach our kids, we can create a sort of game plan for situations. For example, we want our kids to learn that they don't have to yell to be heard. So, the next time you ask your son to pick up his puzzle pieces and get ready for dinner, brace yourself. If you want him to understand that he needs to listen to you and comply, then figure out a way to get him to hear you. Ask him to look at you or get down on your hands and knees and start showing him how to pick up the pieces and put them in the box. Do anything but don’t yell or scream.

The lessons we learn

If we make a conscious effort to remember that our children are watching us, it will keep us in check. We will mind our manners, we will speak more soothingly, we will control our emotions, and ultimately we will see that, by our kids watching us, we are beginning to behave the way we want them to behave. In other words, it is a cycle that eventually trains parents and their children towards better behavior and emotional restraint. If we know that our kids are watching our every move, we will be mindful of our behavior and set an example with that behavior. Then, our kids will model that good behavior and essentially everyone wins.

Making promises is one of the issues that cause sticky situations for parents trying to model good behavior. Parents, from all parts of the world, have their own way of making, keeping and breaking promises. It is easy to make promises, and it is even easier to break them. Many times parents make promises on a whim and later find out that they didn't or couldn't keep to their word. Sometimes, they even forget altogether that they ever made the promise. How many times have you told your child, "Yes, yes, Inshaa’allaah (Allaah willing), I'll get you that­­____­_[fill in your own word] soon," just to keep your child quiet? The moment the words leave your lips, you should consider that promise cast in stone. A child promised a coveted prize/toy/trip will never forget that promise and will never let you forget it. Actually, quite sadly, many children roll their eyes when they hear their parents say "Inshaa’allaah" for fear that Inshaa'allaah really means "maybe" or "yeah, right" or a plain "no."

Much of our behavior depends on our intentions. If you really mean to get that toy for your son, then assure him that you will. If you don't plan on buying it, then be honest. A dishonest promise might grant you a few minutes of quiet shopping time, but in the end it will lead you further into the depths of your child's distrust. Leading children on with false promises is a guaranteed way to display behavior that your children will never forget and will probably mimic in their own adulthood.

In essence, we are designing our children's futures by our own behavior. Why perpetuate behavior in our children that we ourselves should not be harboring? Keeping in mind that our children are not only watching us but learning from us should be reason enough for us to change our behavior before it is cast in the stone of generations to come.

Teaching children good manners

Just as a child should be taught ritual acts of worship, he should also be taught good habits and etiquette until they become second nature to him. The Prophet [peace be upon him ] said: "Believers who have the most perfect Iman (faith) are those who have the best manners."

Good manners are an acquired trait that must be adopted from a young age. Of such manners are the following:

1. Teaching the child to be respectful and dutiful to his parents:

The first person from whom a child learns good manners is the father. If a child is raised in a good Islamic home, then it would be natural for him to treat his parents respectfully.

Allah says: "And your Rabb (Lord) has decreed that you should worship none but Him and be kind to parents. If one or both of them reach old age during your lifetime, never say 'uff' (an expression of displeasure), nor scold them, but address them politely. And humble yourself to them out of mercy and say, 'O my Rabb (Lord,) be merciful to them for having reared me from young age.'" (Holy Qur'an, 17: 23, 24)

2. Teaching them to maintain good relations with relatives:

Sound rearing also stipulates teaching children to maintain good relations with their relatives. Allah says: 'Worship Allah, and associate no partners with Him, and be kind to parents, next of kin, the orphans, the needy, the related neighbors, the next-door neighbors, the wayfarer and to the slaves that you own." (Holy Qur'an, 4: 36)

The fulfillment of this Divine command can be accomplished only by sound rearing which makes them grow attached to their relatives out of obedience to Allah.

Since relatives are an extension of the family, then strengthening ties with them strengthens the whole family and it is like strengthening the whole community and this reflects an Islamic community that enjoys a cohesive structure. The Prophet said: "The believers in their reciprocal love and mercy are like a human body, when one of its organs suffer, the rest of the body is kept awake and suffers fever."

3. Inculcating in children brotherly love:

Brotherly love and believers' solidarity must be embedded in the children's minds and that the believers are brothers-in-faith. For example to follow the pious predecessors, the Muhajireen and the Ansar, whose brotherly love and altruism Allah commends in His Book.

Giving a friendly gesture or a happy greeting to Muslim brothers generates friendliness in their hearts and, strengthens the love among the believers. This indeed is a fine trait, which is instructed by Allah, the Exalted. He describes the believers saying: "They are merciful to one another but harsh to the infidels." (Holy Qur'an, 48: 29)

Allah also addressed His Messenger saying: "And were you to be harsh and hard-hearted, they would have broken away from you." (Holy Qur'an, 3:159)

4. Good words:

Giving a good word is a type of remembrance of Allah, telling the truth, guarding one's own tongue against slandering other people are good deeds. The best Muslim, according to the Prophet is the one from whose tongue the Muslims feel safe.

Parents should make their children aware of the gravity of abusing others with their tongue and of the fact that the tongue is a double-sided and dangerous weapon. Therefore, they should be warned in particular against abusing it.

Warning children against backbiting and slandering

Children should be taught that backbiting is speaking slanderously about an absent person. The Prophet said: "Do you know what is Gheebah (backbiting)?" They said: "Allah and His Messenger know best." He said: "It is to attribute to your brother what he dislikes." He was asked: "What do you think if what I say about my brother is true?" He said: "If what you attribute to him is true, then you have backbitten him, and if it is not true, then you have lied about him."

While Nameemah (talebearing) is to circulate slanderous rumors between two persons to damage or sever the ties between them. The Prophet said: "No Nammam (talebearer) will be admitted to Jannah (Paradise)."

Deriding people in their presence by making negative facial expressions or by hand gestures while they are unaware is forbidden in Islam.

Warning them against lying

Children must be taught to tell the truth and to keep away from lying, which is the most horrible habit. The Prophet said: "There are four traits whoever possesses them is a sheer hypocrite, and he who possesses one of them, possesses a trait of hypocrisy unless he quits it. They are: when he speaks, he tells lies; and when he enters into an agreement, he acts unfaithfully; and when he promises, he breaches his promise; and when he litigates, he behaves treacherously. While the liar receives the anger of Allah on the Day of Resurrection."

He also said: "Lying leads to Hell-Fire and truthfulness leads to Jannah."

Parents should not take this evil habit lightly, or consider it funny when their children tell lies because later on it becomes easy for them to lie without any compunction.

Abusing others

Among the worst of manners is reviling people and swearing at them. If this bad habit is not redressed while the child is growing up, it becomes hard for him to avoid it later on.

Islam enjoins guarding the tongues. The Prophet said: "He who guarantees, what is in between his jaws (tongue), and what is in between his thighs (private parts), I guarantee Jannah for him."

This means guarding one's own tongue against uttering anything that displeases Allah, and guarding one's own private parts against committing illicit acts or fornication.

A Must Have!

A very comprehensive book covering all that Muslim Parents & Educators need to know about raising a Muslim Child.

You may purchase book here or at a Muslim Bookstore near you. It is also available in different languages. For those in Singapore, if you cannot find it at the bookstore, email me at oumu.salma@gmail.com



Raising a muslim child did not start when the baby is born!

Read this excerpt from page 116 :-
One day a man came to Umar Ibn AlKhattab to complain of disobedient son. So Umar had brought the boy to him and he blamed him for his disobedience. Then the boy addressed Umar by saying "O Commander of the faithful : Are there no rights for boy against his father?". Umar said "yes". Then the boy said "What are these rights O Commander of the Faithful?" Umar said, "To choose a good mother for him, to select good name to him and to teach him the Quran" Then the boy said :"O Commander of the faithful; my father has not accomplished any of these rights. As for my mother, she was a black slave for a Magian; As for my name, he has named me jual - A beetle; and he has not taught me even one letter from the Quran". Then Umar turned round to the man and said "you came to me complaining disobedience on the part of your son, whereas you have not given him his rights. So you have made mistakes against him before he has made mistakes against you".

Apologies

Salamualaykum
My apologies to all readers of the blog for my absence and thus, have not updated anything here for a long time. I've recently become a mother of 2, and time is something that I'm trying to fight for :) For those who have emailed, and previously messaged, I thank you for your kind reminders and pray for your continual support.

To help this blog running and interactive, I would like to encourage readers to participate by emailing me good references, links, stories on Islamic Parenting, and I will put it up here for you to share with others who will inshaallah, benefit from it.

Email them to oumu.salma@gmail.com

May Allah help us bring up good children!

Salamualaykum
Oumu Salma

Building a Child's Self Esteem

Building a Child's Self Esteem

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"O ye people! Worship your guardian Lord, Who created you and those before you that ye may become righteous." Quran 2:21 Family Life Question: "Children frequently express feelings of not being liked by other children and not being able to do things before making an attempt. What are some ways to encourage self-confidence in children?" Dear Parents: Children who are morally and spiritually conscience develop a sense of their own self-worth. Helping our children develop healthy self-esteem is one of the most important things that parents can do for them; it is the foundation of their faith and commitment to Allah. Children need to be assured that they are a special gift from Allah and they are to dedicate their talents and resources to Thy service--this gives them value, purpose and direction for life. Through every phase of a child's development, they need provisions for moral and spiritual enrichment that encourages them to truly reverence Allah and to thus value the beauty in themselves. "We have indeed created man in the best of molds." (Quran 95:4) There is no fault in Allah's creation; to man, Allah gave the purest and best nature. Our duty is to preserve, and nurture the distinctive character that Allah has created. Healthy feelings about oneself or high self-esteem is best started in the home, and this needs to be cultivated in our children from birth. Thankfulness for who Allah has made us to be is based primarily on how our parents or guardians view us. Children mirror others' perception of them; they measure themselves by the standards set by those shaping their lives. A child needs our unconditional love. While we may show disapproval of wrong actions, the child still needs to feel cherished. We are guided: "...truly no one despairs of Allah's soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith." (Quran 12:87) Our unconditional compassion for our children will promote and encourage their faith in Allah and instill the thinking that "I am lovable, I am confident." Persons with healthy self-esteem are more capable of making decisions; they exhibit thankfulness for their accomplishments, are willing to take responsibility, and are better able to cope with stressful situations. They meet and feel enthusiastic about challenges. Often a student with a high IQ and low self-esteem will do poorly in school, while a child with average ability and high self-esteem will excel. The thinking that is cultivated in a person in the early years affects his entire life. The National PTA along with the March of Dimes has developed a program called "Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill" to help parents learn to better communicate with their children and to nurture their youngster's self-esteem. Some steps they outline include: " 1. Showing kids how to communicate their feelings, openly and honestly, is a good place for parents to start. Children need to know that even anger and fear are to be appropriately expressed rather than bottled up. Because children learn by example, parents must let their feelings be known. 2. Listening--truly listening to children is a second key to developing good self-esteem. Having parents listen not only enhances children's good feeling about themselves, it also teaches them...(to be caring). 3. Teaching how to get along with others through negotiation and compromise is important. 4. Establishing fair, consistent discipline is one of the other building blocks of good self-esteem. 5. Giving children responsibilities--tasks that are meaningful and 'do-able' and that they can be accountable for also builds self-esteem. 6. Permitting children to make decisions (even an occasional wrong one) helps them learn good judgment. 7. Keeping a sense of humor is important. It can work wonders and helps children keep perspective on what is important. 8. Treating children lovingly, with both respect and courtesy, helps children learn that they are beautiful and worthwhile people. Parents, treat them the way you yourself want to be treated." The Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill kit is available through the Chicago office of the National PTA. When we build a warm and friendly relationship with our children, we establish the best opportunity for imparting strong moral and spiritual values to them--the key to high self-esteem.

The Positive & Negative C's of Islamic Parenting

by Shahina Siddiqui

One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for.

Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.

POSITIVE C'S

Compassion (Rehmat)

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated, "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".

It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.

Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.

Consultation (Shura)

The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".

When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.

Cooperation

This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".

When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.

Commitment

It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.

Communication

Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.

So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.

When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.

It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).

Consistency

Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.

Confidentiality

Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.

Contentment (Tawakkul)

The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.

Confidence

It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.

Control

By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).

Calm

By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.

Courage

Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.

Critical Thinking

The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.

Charitable

The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself". So if husband and

wife expect respect from each other they should give respect.

A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.

NEGATIVE C'S

There are many negative C's, which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them. As you will notice when you go through the whole exercise, the presence of one negative C cancels out a positive C.

Competition

In an authentic Hadith the Prophet Muhammad said: "Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah's Grace".

As a Muslim community we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same competitive spirit to our children.

If Br. X's son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard otherwise he is a failure, no matter how good a Mumin (believer) he is in comparison to Br. X's son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in Dunya (this world) that we are actually hurting their self-esteem and pushing them away. Remember if children don't find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.

Comparison

Comparison is an outcome of negative competition it is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many parents compare their children to others and get in the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener in the neighbor's yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us are perfect, and therefore we should stop looking for perfection in others.

Control

The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality e.g. I am the boss so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a weapon of a control freak. In most cases it is the father, however mothers also exhibit this trait.

Criticism

Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put downs and verbal clashing destroys the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self-esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.

Corruption

"If the truth was to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt" (Quran part of 23:71).

Weak Nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character, which of course is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our Deen (religion) by picking and

choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best and resisting and outright opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by losing ourselves to the Dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.

Confusion

Parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on Quran and Hadith and as such when it comes to implementation give conflicting signals to their children.

We must as parents develop an Islamic frame of reference, which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgment. Sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge can only achieve this.

Contempt

Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it as many Muslim youth are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember "knowledge is proud it knows so much — wisdom is humble it knows no more".

Consumerism

Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism — anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel always say "I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me".

The legacy of materialism survives generations since it caters to our baser self. Please watch out for it.

Contradiction

When there is contradiction in word and deed it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can pick a hypocrite a mile away.

When we behave holier than thou in the Masjid but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message it is okay to be a hypocrite.

Carelessness

As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon "Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of Faith but in minor issues". This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.

Colonization

This is a mind set that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children — a sense of inferiority, a complex as such, that European and Western cultures are superior and better than that of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following and serving rather than leadership.

There are many more positive and negative C's that I could discuss but perhaps it would be entertaining if families could sit together and see how many they can come up with, and perform a diagnostic test of their own families based on this humble contribution.

Defining our roles

"God dignifies both men and women in their distinctiveness, not their
sameness." - A profound insight!


March 30, 2005
Female-Led Prayers: A Step Forward for Women?
On March 18, 2005 Amina Wadud led the first female-led Jumu`ah Prayer. On
that day, women took a huge step towards being more like men. But, did we
come closer to actualizing our God-given liberation?

This answer was kindly provided by Sister Yasmin Mogahed, a member of Ask
About Islam Editorial Staff. Yasmin is an Egyptian-American journalist
based in Wisconsin, USA. She is currently studying for a Master's degree in
Journalism.

Salam, Sarah.

Thank you for your inspiring question!

Well, answering your question, I can say that I don't think so.

What we so often forget is that God has honored women by giving them value
in relation to God-not in relation to men. But as Western feminism erases
God from the scene, there is no standard left but men. As a result, the
Western feminist is forced to find her value in relation to a man. And in
so doing, she has accepted a faulty assumption. She has accepted that man
is the standard, and thus a woman can never be a full human being until she
becomes just like a man-the standard.

When a man cut his hair short, she wanted to cut her hair short. When a man
joined the army, she wanted to join the army, and so on. She wanted these
things for no other reason than because the "standard" had it.

What she didn't recognize was that God dignifies both men and women in
their distinctiveness, not their sameness. And on March 18, Muslim women
made the very same mistake.

For 1,400 years, there has been a consensus of scholars that men are to
lead Prayer. As a Muslim woman, why does this matter? The one who leads
Prayer is not spiritually superior in any way. Something is not better just
because a man does it. And leading Prayer is not better just because it is leading.
Had it been the role of women or had it been more divine, why wouldn't the
Prophet have asked Lady `A'ishah or Lady Khadijah, or Lady Fatimah-the
greatest women of all time-to lead? These women were promised heaven and
yet they never led Prayer.

But now, for the first time in 1,400 years, we look at a man leading Prayer
and we think, "That's not fair." We think so, although God has given no
special privilege to the one who leads. The imam is no higher in the eyes
of God than the one who prays behind. On the other hand, only a woman can
be a mother. And the Creator has given special privilege to a mother. The
Prophet taught us that heaven lies at the feet of mothers. But no matter
what a man does, he can never be a mother. So why is that not unfair?

When asked who is most deserving of our kind treatment? The Prophet replied
"your mother" three times before saying "your father" only once. Isn't that
sexist? No matter what a man does, he will never be able to have the status
of a mother.

And yet even when God honors us with something uniquely feminine, we are
too busy trying to find our worth in reference to men, to value it or even
notice it. We too have accepted men as the standard; so anything uniquely
feminine is, by definition, inferior. Being sensitive is an insult,
becoming a mother is a degradation. In the battle between stoic rationality
(considered masculine) and selfless compassion (considered feminine),
rationality reigns supreme.

As soon as we accept that everything a man has and does is better, all that
follows is just a knee jerk reaction: if men have it, we want it too. If
men pray in the front rows, we assume this is better, so we want to pray in
the front rows too. If men lead Prayer, we assume the imam is closer to God, so
we want to lead Prayer too. Somewhere along the line, we've accepted the
notion that having a position of worldly leadership is some indication of
one's position with God.

A Muslim woman does not need to degrade herself in this way. She has God as
a standard. She has God to give her value; she doesn't need a man here.

In fact, in our crusade to follow men, we, as women, never even stopped to
examine the possibility that what we have is better for us. In some cases,
we even gave up what was higher only to be like men.

Fifty years ago, we saw men leaving the home to work in factories. We were
mothers. And yet, we saw men doing it, so we wanted to do it too. Somehow,
we considered it women's liberation to abandon the raising of another human
being in order to work on a machine. We accepted that working in a factory
was superior to raising the foundation of society-just because a man did
it.

Then after working, we were expected to be superhuman-the perfect mother,
the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, and have the perfect career. And
while there is nothing wrong, by definition, with a woman having a career,
we soon came to realize what we had sacrificed by blindly mimicking men. We
watched as our children became strangers, and soon recognized the privilege
we'd given up.

And so only now-given the choice-women in the West are choosing to stay
home to raise their children. According to the United States Department of
Agriculture, only 31 percent o f mothers with babies, and 18 percent of
mothers with two or more children, are working fulltime. And of those
working mothers, a survey conducted by Parenting Magazine in 2000, found
that 93 percent of them say they would rather be home with their kids, but
are compelled to work due to "financial obligations." These "obligations"
are imposed on women by the gender sameness of the modern West and removed
from women by the gender distinctiveness of Islam.

It took women in the West almost a century of experimentation to realize a
privilege given to Muslim women 1,400 years ago. Given my privilege as a
woman, I only degrade myself by trying to be something I'm not, and in all
honesty, don't want to be-a man. As women, we will never reach true
liberation until we stop trying to mimic men and value the beauty in our
own God given distinctiveness.

If given a choice between stoic justice and compassion, I choose
compassion.

And if given a choice between worldly leadership and heaven at my feet, I
choose heaven.

Educating Muslim Children

NOTES ON THE EDUCATION OF MUSLIM CHILDREN

by Ibrahim B. Syed, Ph. D.
President
Islamic Research Foundation International, Inc.
7102 W. Shefford Lane
Louisville, KY 40242-6462, USA
E-mail: IRFI@INAME.COM
Website: http://WWW.IRFI.ORG

Foundation of Education

Education is the birth right of every Muslim and Muslimah. Investment in education is the best investment one can make, because it eventually leads to intellectual property. Intellectual property is the intangible property, which no one can steal or destroy. This is the property on which no Government can levy a tax. Hence, the foundation for education should start from childhood. It becomes imperative that the education of children be given the utmost importance as the prime duty to every parent, society, Government and nation.

Islamic Traditions

To the Muslims a child is a trust from Allah (SWT) in the hands of the parents. The heart of a child can be compared to a fine and clean slate without any writing on it. Hence the child could be developed into any type of human being depending on what type of environment he or she is exposed to. If a child is educated in the traditions of goodness including the Noble Qur'an and the Seerah of the Prophet Muhammad (SAS), he or she will surely follow the truth when grown up and will attain health, happiness, and success both in this world and the hereafter. The reaching of great heights by the child gives the greatest pleasure both to the parents and the teachers. Even the community and the nation share in the child's achievements. On the other hand, lack of proper education destroys the bright future of the child. The blame and responsibility for this unpleasant and sad deed has to be shared both by the parents and the teachers, as well as the community and the nation. Therefore parenting is not any easy task. In some societies people literally spit on the faces of the parents whose children have gone astray. Right from the beginning parents should impart good conduct to their children and discourage them from bad company. Children should be taught to exercise control in self-adornment, extremes of pleasure and comfort.

The care of the child starts from the time of birth. Bottle-feeding should be kept away unless the mother has problems in breast-feeding. The virtues of breast-feeding to the child and the mother have been elaborated elsewhere by the author. The mother's milk not only nourishes the body and immunizes it but also builds up the mind and strengthens the emotional bonds of love and affection.

Teaching Manners

When the child reaches an age enabling him or her to distinguish things, greater care should be taken to teach good manners and respect for others. This is the time to teach table manners particularly Islamic traditions - recitation of Bismillah ("In the name of Allah"), using the right hand to eat, to eat from the plate the items near to him or her, not getting greedy at other's eating, to chew food thoroughly and slowly, avoiding haste, preventing of smearing one's hands on clothes. Mothers should be careful not to inculcate the habit of overeating. Parents should emphasize eating plenty of fresh vegetables and fruits, reducing salt intake, discourage consumption of chocolates, sweets, candies, coffee, tea, soft drinks and encourage drinking of skim milk, fruit juices, low calorie, cholesterol-free, fat-free ice creams, yogurts.

Children must be complimented for moderate eating and for sharing food and toys with other children, so that they can learn sharing and self-sacrificing, as these qualities will lead to success in their married and professional lives. Children should be taught to develop simplicity and humility in their actions and behavior.

Teaching the 3 Rs

Children should attend schools to learn reading, writing and arithmetic, in addition they should be taught the Qur'an, Seerah of Prophet Muhammad (SAS), Islamic history and stories of the Muslim Heroes and Heroines, so that the values and virtues in these things may take root in their hearts. Apart from sciences and mathematics children must be allowed to read world history, poetry, literature, art, fiction, etc.

Child Discipline

Children should be praised for their good actions and behavior and rewarded but seldom monetarily. This will make the children pleased and encouraged to repeat their good deeds. Whenever children commit mistakes or undesirable acts for the first time, they should be forgiven and their acts or misdeeds should be corrected in a loving and affectionate way without any harshness. Children should not be scolded frequently, particularly in front of their playmates or other adults. Scolding makes them insensitive and they continue the bad acts and may acquire undesirable habits. However the parents should communicate with their children and the father should not only talk to them but also discipline them without any physical harm. The mother should show her love and affection and at the same time remind them of their father's warnings and tell them to keep away from evil things.

During the day time children should be allowed to study and also to play otherwise their intellect will be dulled, and their physical bodies will not be in good shape. At night they must go to bed early. "Early to bed and early to rise make one healthy, wealthy, and wise." Children should not be allowed to do anything in secret, as it may encourage them to bad things and hide them from parents, teachers and friends. Openness, frankness and honesty are great virtues of leadership. At the same time, the children must be taught not to boast to their friends about parents' possessions, their living conditions, and family matters. Children must be taught to respect others and to show gentleness and humility.

Teaching by Action

If parents are wealthy, their children should be exposed to the acts of Zakah, Sadaqah, fitrah charities towards the poor, kith, and kin, and other deserving poor people. If the parents are poor, their children should be taught to live within their means, to strive and work hard for a better life, but never to steal, rob, or cheat others for a living.

Children must be taught to respect parents and elders and to make room for them. Children should not swear in order to speak the truth. Their habit of taking oaths should be avoided. They should be taught good manners of sitting and speaking. They should be encouraged to ask questions, but should not become chatterboxes. They should distinguish the bad habits from good habits. They should avoid the company of those who have bad habits. They should keep away from children who smoke, drink alcohol, abuse drugs, violate morality, and ethics.